Tonight I have so much I want to say, but I can’t. It doesn’t mean I’m holding back. I’m not.
But when I began to write, when I began this blog, I imposed a rule that my good friend, my brother and I had. There were some stories we wouldn’t share in real time. They were too fresh. Too open. Like having a wound, an injury where you’re “cut to the white meat,”as the old folks used to say. The moments and the memories you want to keep to yourself. You can’t really share them with anyone else. Maybe because they think you’re crazy? But mostly because you just want to hold them close. Hold them so they never really leave your arms. Hold them because you want to protect the others on the opposite end of the story.
Mostly because I rarely write in real time. As in I don’t think I should. I could. I have the capacity to do so. I have amazing stories to tell – but such is my life. I could say all that happens from day to day, but it doesn’t serve my life cause and path. Maybe if my blog was anonymous? But there are people who live to figure out identities. And rightfully, I wouldn’t have met some of the amazing people in my life now if I wrote this without a name or a face.
See there is a consequence to writing in real time. There are real people involved. People I love. It’s not to say I never will.
I will probably have someone live blog/live tweet my wedding one day with real time photos of the preparation for the event. It’s just to say I have the desire to protect people I care for and although there is much to be said in real time, I cannot blog about things in real time. Because I write, because I blog, I never want anyone to feel as if their story isn’t safe. It is. The love, the secrets, the stories, the time spent, the crying, the confessions… they are all safe.
Maybe one day, when my life mirrors the African-American DC version of The Pioneer Woman, Ree Drummond, I’ll blog about my children and my husband and his friends. My friends and sisters. My urban garden. My real-time recipes. Of course I want you to know I am fully aware my life doesn’t mirror Ree’s life but Lord knows, if I can end up on a farm and making it happen like she does…. y’all will have many stories to read. Regardless, there are many stories to be told. By the way, do you know who the Pioneer Woman is? Get in to her! I love and adore her!!
I could tell you about the dinners I cook. Someday I will. I can tell you how much love I put into it. Didn’t know I cooked? I do. And I LOVE to cook. I make amazing meals. Meals filled with love and care, with adoration and life.
But I won’t because that’s who I am.
But y’all know where this is going right?
Is there such a thing as a statute of limitations when it comes down to people and love? < You of course knew I was going to bring all of this up right?
Can love expire? Is there a time to admit it all and come clean? Can there be a safe space to talk about it where it doesn’t hurt anyone? Is there a space and time when I can express all of it and it won’t turn a person away, he won’t run? Is there a space to make sure all of it can be shared in real time?
I don’t have the answer.
But tonight, I have a series of songs playing in the playlist in my mind, with a series of thoughts. I think about things that were shared, things that were spoken. I think about all of the things that are felt but not said. The things that go unsaid. The things I know to be true but just can’t put to words.
The stories will come in time. Some of them will never see the light of day. They will only exist between God, me and the third party. There will be other stories I save for my memoir.
There are stories I still think about today, 15 years out, where I still think I cannot tell the entire story. It’s like a good journalist, a good reporter never revealing his/her source. I have to be content in knowing the story without ever telling it. Having had the experience, but never sharing it with anyone.
But the point in writing is to share and that I do. To teach or to evoke emotion and that happens every day.
The point is to protect who and what I love. To be able to still connect with everyone who reads and still be real.
To be able to say there is a time to talk, there is a time to shut up, there is a time to love and protect. A time to sit still, be still. There is a time to question and a time to know.
In all things you do, do them for the sake of love. It’s the only thing that will ever last.