Honestly, I have been asking myself this question for a while now.
I’ve reached the adult threshold where everyone is getting married, having children. I mean EVERYONE. Not just a few people, but most of the people around me and around everyone else for that matter. Maybe it’s the recession? Maybe it’s true love. Fact is they are all boo’d up. It’s a tad unnerving at times.
I’m a lover of love. I enjoy seeing people happy and together. I support each and every one of my friends in their unions. I laugh and cry with them. I tell them to hold it together when it’s going poorly. I want them to be together.
The fact remains I am still single and some days you feel some kind of way about it.
No marriage prospects in sight. It had been this way. You meet a guy, you think he’s the one, and then for whatever reason or number of reasons, he turns out NOT be the one. In fact, you should have never even been dealing with this joker in the first damn place. Right?
I am on a no dating challenge currently. It was just time.
I realized all the time that’s has passed and found myself a little nervous. Clocks are ticking. I can hear the bells ringing – and not wedding bells. I mean the kitchen timer, times up kinda bell. Or rather a buzzer. Waking up another morning asking, “What’s wrong with me?”
For the men reading this – yes, women think this and well, we’ll never admit it to you in your face if you confront us. However, there a few who could care less. This really isn’t about them (no h8). It’s for the women, who like myself are looking for the life they thought they’d have at this point and are grappling with the life we currently have. So it’s what is versus what I want (or expect).
Or rather, I’ve asked myself what’s wrong with me? I’ve had this talk many times with myself and wondered what I am doing wrong. Fact is, there were a number of things I was doing wrong. Those are for another post.
The most important thing I had to realize is that I had to BE the prototype I was looking for. That’s the number one thing I was doing wrong. I wasn’t living up to the best version of myself. The best woman. The best Rae.
What does this mean? It means you better be willing to give all of the things you’re asking for from your mate. It means being long-suffering. It means knowing what the I Corinthians verse 14: 4-7 really means & to be willing to honor it and get yourself to living as close to all of it as you can. Practice – and not on dates!! But on your loved ones. For those who don’t know what it says:
4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
It means I better get to work. I mean, there is some serious overhaul to be done. And here I thought I was in good shape. But then over the last year or so, and after my Lemony Snicket aka the series of unfortunate (dating) events, it brought me to a point where I realized there was a lot of work to be done – on myself. While I could blame others, at the end of the day, the position I’m in is my responsibility.
I have some issues and they better well be resolved, or well on their way to being worked on before I even think about taking on someone else’s issues. You realize of course when you get married, you’re taking on all of the other persons issues. If you think you’re ready for a husband, the better question is to ask if you’re ready to be a wife. Am I ready to be a wife? Lord have mercy.
The gut feeling I listened to managed to serve me well. I knew better all this time than to get married too early. The truth is, years ago, up until very recently I probably would have made a terrible wife. So, those brothers are probably as thankful they didn’t marry me as I am that I didn’t marry them. Do we as women ever think about that? SMH….
Then my mind starts to wander. I get to thinking: I’m cute; I have many “intangible” talents; I’m stylish; I have good taste; I’ve been sensible (sometimes – let’s say enough to count me in as not crazy). Oooooh! Eccentric. Okay, maybe I’m a little crazy. I know right from wrong. I can recite the days of the week, my address, I usually know what day it is (although I had an episode with that this past weekend – EPIC fail). I can cook. I can make a mean Sunday or whatever other day dinner you need. I’m eclectic. I’m giving to a fault. I can empathize with you &b share in your pain. I can love hard. I tend to be hilarious without trying. I’m agreeable – on most days. I’m kinda surly at times though – but some men like that so it’s really an asset. By the way, I also have assets. (wink)
And so does every other woman.
So why am I NOT married? Damn.
Mainly because none of the above really matters.
It does matter, then again, it doesn’t. How beautiful I am, how well I can cook, how well I can maintain things and hold them together – that doesn’t make a relationship stick. Men have left for more or for less.
What matters is my character.
When I started to dissect all of the things I need to resolve, I realized I have my work cut out for me:
- Deal with past pains and hurts of exes. No bitterness please! No cold witchery is allowed. No holding a man hostage for the faults of others before him.
- Master being a Proverbs 31 woman and a women who embodies the “Love is patient, love is kind…”
- Pay off some, if not all of this damned debt.
- Learn to honor my commitments.
- Learn to be on time.
- Learn to set boundaries.
- Discern who I should let go and who I should let stay.
- Learn what to reveal and what not to.
- Learn a measure of self-control.
- Work on all of those things on my to do list : writing, publishing, house, travel, countless other things….
- Cultivate myself into the best version of myself as I can while I’m single.
- Maybe learn how to dance burlesque. Just saying. It’s helpful. LOL….
And when you start going through that list, that’s when you get to the answers, you make the progress, the husband shows up. Here’s the truth, we can look on to others lives as much as we want, but if we’re not making any progress in our own while watching others, we’re failing ourselves and setting ourselves up for future failure.
Fact : you’ll never have as much time as a married person to work on yourself as you do when you’re single.
Same message : I need to BE the prototype I am seeking.
What am I doing to better myself? Am I taking classes? Working smarter to pay off this debt? Trying to fulfill my dreams? Out here blogging and working on this book like I keep TALKING about? Taking care of the obligations I am responsible for? How’s my relationship with God? Am I actively seeking my purpose?
Fact is, I wasn’t ready. And if the right man had shown up these years, he wouldn’t have been looking for a girl like me. I don’t know if I could have even recognized him.
I think when I realized this, I had to lay down in the bed for a day – okay, it was two. Really. I got out of bed to shower, make a snack and get a glass of wine. I stayed in bed to drink, eat and watch those damned four-hour Lifetime love movies and Weddings on E! and all of the other girly movies.
It was deep. I cried – a lot. (Girl models do this…)
I didn’t like the woman I saw when I got raw and real with it. I mean, I loved her, but there were some things she was going to have to get past before she could even consider being someone’s wife or think about even a relationship.
All of this isn’t even really about being a wife, or getting married, or having a committed relationship, or getting the man/woman we want. It really boils down to being the best person you can be. Being able to be your authentic self and live your life to its fullest. Being able to get past your own bullshit, and then really get on with your own life’s business. Not being stuck in a rut. Not having to relive every day as if it’s the same day of mediocrity.
This whole realization was difficult. As mentioned in previous posts, this year has visited me with some seriously difficult days. They haven’t been as merciful as I had hoped, but then again, maybe they were all too necessary to bring me to a point where I was ready to “get it.”
So who do I see when I’m getting myself together in the morning? Do I like her? Do I love her? Can I depend on her? Can I call on her when I need her? Do I find her worthy of a good life? Is she valuable?
The answer to all of these questions today is a YES.
However, she still falls short. To put it mildly, I have fallen consistently short of my expectations for myself over the years. And well, there’s still hope at the beginning and the end of the day. I still have it.
The main thing is progress is being made. I’m becoming a better woman each day.
This issue is so close to my heart because it’s so important for us to know our worth, for us to propel ourselves to all God would have us to be. It looks different for everyone. What yours looks like is very likely different from mine. It doesn’t make either any less important or more important for that matter. It doesn’t have anything to do with who you marry or being married. It’s dealing with you. Your character, your attitude, your spirit.
I promise, if you’re not already whole when you end up in a relationship, the holes are going to surely cause a wind of serious change in your relationship. You’ll lose the very thing, the very person which and who was most precious to you.
I love you enough to tell you to get whole: to work on yourself in the process of waiting. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?
So don’t get the title of the post twisted. I believe in love. I believe there is a man out there for me. I believe I am worthy of this man. There is a man out there who is designed for me, fashioned for me – or shall I say, who I’m fashioned from. He will be able to handle all of me. All the multitudes that I contain. He will be ready for me and I’ll be ready for him.
He will love a woman like me. He will have been searching for a woman like me.
The point is, I need to be ready to receive him. I need to be the best person so that when he meets me, I’ve developed or am at least in route to developing into that woman. It’s also crucial because without this development, I just may never be able to see him and appreciate him. I may never recognize him.
I am taking the time to work on all of those issues I see within myself that need to be squashed. I’m meeting my demons face to face. I’m inviting God to meet me where I am and work through me, on me, with me. I’m working to attract that which I want. To BE attractive to that which I want. I’m working on being the best version of Rae that’s humanly possible.
I just want to offer hope for you. I have this little blue flame of hope knowing all things work for the good in our lives. The Word says it. Please know if you’ve been putting it off, begin the process and all of the doors begin to open for you. Revive your life and yourself.
What say you? Are you working on being the prototype? Are you working towards being as whole as possible?
I am. I’m sure you’ll hold me accountable to it. Please do.