HOW TO RECONCILE WHERE I AM VERSUS WHERE I IMAGINED I’D BE BY ___ (INSERT AGE, MILESTONE, ETC)
I’m not where I thought I would be at this point in my life. I know people who are. I know people who were on the fast track, got their degrees straight out the gate, got married, have the “American Dream.”
I ain’t that girl.
Some days I wish I was. I wonder what life would have been like had I went to med school as planned. Had I married a man who I dated in my early twenties. What we would have went on to do together. I wonder if I would have been happy. The current me today still somehow believes I made the right choice. All of these lessons and my unconventional ways/wisdom and manner of handling things may never have developed. I’ll never really know.
On SuperSoul Sunday last week, Marianne Williamson was saying God has this plan for our lives and we have a choice to accept it or not. In other words, He has a storehouse of blessings and good things for us and we have a choice to “download the file.” That file never changes. It just remains in storage for us, waiting for us to decide to get it.
Clearly when God was planning all of this, He had me in mind. Mostly because I think He knew I would make certain, let’s refer to them as …detours so to speak.
It’s that moment I realize the things and dreams I planned for myself haven’t quite turned out the way I had imagined them. That what’s happening at this time doesn’t have anything to do with what I thought would be happening. But wait. Did I even have a plan for this point? Could I have even planned that far out? I see young brothers and sisters some days and they know exactly what they want to do and where they want to be. I used to be that girl.
I ain’t that girl.
I made a conscious choice not to pursue the beaten path laid before me. Real talk - my grades dropped and good ole Mrs. S decided not to renew my scholarship. I choose to see it as divine intervention. I divinely intervened with clubs and friends and road trips and sleeping in for about 18 months. Then one day I realized I at least needed to finish college. I made the bright decision I would major in Spanish because it was easy for me. I was working 50 hours a week and still had a party schedule too. I couldn’t deal with anything that was going to be too heavy. I mean, I can look back on those moments all I want to, but the times were good times. The friends I made in my detour – I still have most of them today. And the debauchery that ensued in those years? Lord if I didn’t learn some valuable lessons.
Days turn into months, adding up to years. Milestone
birthdays events. Stellar moments. Living life. Hoping things will turn out the way they are supposed to, the way I want them to. And as the days continue to pass, I watch my friends go on to do amazing, ground breaking and monumental things. I watch them marry and have children. Move across the country. Move out of the the country. Back to the country. Start businesses.
I think about this as I truck to my part-time gig where I bartend.
I really fucking hate having to work a side-gig. Shouldn’t I already be at a pay rate where I can avoid working extra jobs and still have some cash?
And when the moment comes again, an awakening of sorts to how unhappy I may be but manage to shovel that away. Deep away. Denial in it’s best form. The day when I realize I haven’t done a damn thing on my list of the things I
And then I do this for a while:
And mind you – this is an internal fight. When the real, authentic version of myself wins (Elle) the imposter version of myself (Bea) thrashed around on the floor and screams internally for some time.
Well actually, there have been a few breakdowns spent on the floor for a while. Again, I am well-acquainted with the floor and if you try to tell me you’ve never done this shit I’ll say you’re lying. Literal floor or proverbial floor. Still the floor. Rock bottom.
After I get through working at a part-time job I don’t think I should have to work at, I sequester myself in the house for several days. Friends and co-workers look for me. I mean, I called out for a few days. But after about two or three days, the calls from my friends at work begin to roll in. Friends who normally hear from me daily and don’t call me. They come over or ask me out luring me with the promise of good food and cheap wine. I prefer cheap wine. Have I mentioned this before?
I do. Please address all bottles to…
But it’s this sudden realization nothing has been done on my list. I’ve given over my life to whichever way the wind blows. This is good and bad of course. However, if it’s not the direction I want to go in this is problem. I also realize time is ticking.
I decide the best remedy is to stay home another day.
And this is what happened when I realized where I am, ain’t where I thought/hoped/wished/prayed I’d be…by now. And then it repeated itself over the years in varying degrees.
Then last year, right around the time I started this blog, being the genius I am, it dawned on me all of this is up to me. So damn my fears and worries. Let me take this list out. Oh, wait, I didn’t write it down. Well let me write this list down. Then let me see what I can do. I mean really – what can I do? What can I try? Where can I go? Let me stay in my means and work some of these issues out.
All I’m saying is I realized at some point, although I am in a ditch, I am going to have to dig myself out. So since then I have done this….
And when I get across this desert and get my Hatori Hanzo sword back, I am driving off in my ’83 Camaro and I’m not looking back.